TTO

Tracey Ullman's State of the Union

Episode Guides and Reviews
Series
The Tracey Ullman Show (Fox)
Tracey Takes On (HBO) 
Visible Panty Lines (Oxygen)
Three Of A Kind (BBC)
Girls On Top (ITV)
Commentaries on Three Of A Kind and Girls On Top
Specials
Tracey Ullman: A Class Act (ITV)
Tracey Ullman Takes On New York (HBO) (draft)

Other Reviews
Tracey Takes On - the book
Tracey Takes On - the first two videos
TTO Fern & Kay video 
The Big Love (play from 1991) 

Talk Show Appearances

The Music

Video Archive
What I have
What I want

Miscellaneous
including Musings, the guestbook, character tallies, etc.

Other Sites
Official
Tracey Takes On (her own) (inactive)
HBO's TTO site (inactive)
Purple Skirt
Unofficial
Andrew Mitchell's Tracey Ullman "Go Home" Page
Yahoo Group: Totally Tracey Ullman

Reviews, guides and commentaries for the award-winning series

Season 1

1.  March 30 2008

• 3:45 AM in New York City: Bangladeshi undocumented immigrant Sindra Matano (sp?) wakes up and leaves for her first job of the day, turning on the donut making machine at the bakery. Her husband takes over the bed as he returns from his job.
• Jamaican caregiver Marian Churchill buys some of those donuts and takes them to her job, caring for octogenarian Ruth Katzman.  Mrs. Katzman's daughter will be by later, taking her to see Mamma Mia! with her grandson (the feygele).  But first, time to cut the toenails so the shoes will fit.... (keep your black hands off me, says Mrs. Katzman)
• At WBFW in Buffalo, it's 5 AM and 5 below, says anchorwoman Linda Alvarez.  Lead story: it's raining cats and dogs, literally, with dead animals blocking the storm drains (and in international news, Paris Hilton miscarries in Dubai) [note how she pronounces "Alvarez" in the Spanish way; for her, it's an affectation.  For an anchorperson, there may not be much that isn't an affectation -- RR]
• Morning in Greenville, South Carolina, and farmers Rich and Lacy Harris are starting their day tending to their genetically modified corn for ethanol.  Lacy is prepping the old tractor, while Rich is at prayer -- it seems he became Muslim while on duty in Iraq.
• 7:27 AM: Environmental activist Laurie David is in her private jet on her way to a ski holiday.  While reading an article featuring Al Gore, she mentions that Tipper Gore recently told her at Al's jowls have become "an inconvenient truth."  Publicist Samantha finds that very funny (Laurie didn't think it was THAT funny).  When the flight gets a bit bumpy, Laurie calls for the pilot to climb to 40,000 ("I'm Laurie David, I can go to any altitude I want").
• Pundit Arianna Huffington is exercising and looking for inspiration for her first blog entry of the day.  While watching Rudy Giuliani on TV, she's inspired to get a celebrity hairdresser to comment on "Giuliani's Tonsorial 9-11", and she sees herself as more like Eva Gabor than Zsa Zsa (Eva was the smart one, right?). [this impression is going to be one of my favorites -- RR]
• In our nation's capital, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is preparing for an important appointment: the Botox clinic ("Tip O'Neill never had to do this") [imagining Tip O'Neill having Botox: now there's a disturbing image -- RR]
• 11:45 AM: in Plainsville, Nebraska, Irma Billings is hanging her laundry and talking to her neighbor Betsy Jean. Betsy Jean tells Irma that her condition may be restless leg syndrome, but Irma thinks of it as God's way of telling her she's got places to go.  She has no interest in being on a reality show, and nothing really bothers her -- except Ryan Seacrest.  He makes her hot and bothered.... [Her restless leg syndrome seems like I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-real-badly syndrome.   She seems to be a good-hearted, salt-of-the-earth character, the kind that have been the backbone of this country, someone you'd be proud to consider a friend.  There aren't as many around these days, it seems.  Irma is also a woman of faith, but she's no self-righteous hypocrite like TTO's Birdie Godsen -- RR]
• 1:13 PM: in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, pharmacist Padma Perkesh is at the counter when the pharmacy is held up by a gunman looking for painkillers. She won't give him what he wants until she fulfills her legal and moral obligation to warn him of potential side effects, which she does with a Bollywood-style production number.  At the end of the song, the robber is disarmed, and he leaves with what he doesnt know are very potent laxatives (but he'll find out real quick). [this reminds me of a TTO sketch featuring Kay and Carlos (Cheech Marin).  Padma has the potential to be a favorite of the new characters -- RR]
• Meanwhile, at an LA independent film festival, Tony Sirico is promoting his new film "I'm With This Inuit", in which he portrays an Alaskan fisherman.  He's doing this to show his range.  We see a clip from the film, which the interviewer thinks is drawing Oscar buzz.  [the only range this "Tony" should be showing is his kitchen range, and the only Oscar buzz is coming from Oscar the Wonder Fly -- RR]
• 3:45 PM in Huntsville, Texas: convicted killer Hogarth Pincus is hours away from execution.  His wife of three weeks, Gretchen, is staying in a nearby hotel, dictating her memoirs to a ghostwriter.  Where did she and her husband meet? On DeathRowPenPals.com.  What's he in for? He hurt eight people at a Winn-Dixie -- hurt them to death, that is. He's known as the Wet Wipe Killer because he had the decency to clean up after himself.  Will she see him one final time?  No, she won't.  Even though the governor granted him a conjugal visit in lieu of a final meal, she's not in the mood -- and what would be the point of just going through the motions?  Then a clerk knocks on the door, asking if the room should be held in case of a stay of execution.  The ACLU will pick up the tab, he says.  And she has a message from someone from Lockup who saw her picture on the Web and wants to begin a correspondence (it's the Taystee-Freeze Rapist).  Gretchen says yes -- future husband material? She also says to hold the room. [What is it with these women?  I cannot understand their motivation at all. And FYI, Extended Stay America hotels are much nicer than the dump portrayed here; I speak from personal experience.  Second FYI: there aren't any Winn-Dixies in Texas, but there are in Louisiana, and woe to anyone who confuses the two.  On a separate note, I read that Tracey took up smoking again after 21 years in order to help capture the character.  I hope that was just a temporary thing, for I have no desire to see her sacrifice her lungs and her health for her art -- RR]
• Meanwhile, as the execution draws near, Fox News reporter Rita Cosby has an exclusive from inside the execution chamber.  She tells of the last criminal executed here; it took 15 hours for him to die, he had a foot-long chemical burn, and he had an embarrassing dead man's hard-on.  She'll also have an exclusive with the coroner, who's promised to let her participate in the autopsy.  Then a guard interrupts, telling her she has to leave.  But she'll do anything - or anyone - for that exclusive.... [methinks Ms. Cosby may not be too happy with this portrayal -- RR]
• In LA, David Beckham is talking to his agent on the phone.  Actually, he's trying to talk to his agent, for the noise of the leaf blower outside is loud.  He complains to wife Victoria, who's taking son Cruz to play with "Pilo Schitt -- oops, Shiloh Pitt". [the Pitts may not be too happy, either -- RR]
• In Washington, reporter Campbell Brown gives America its daily dose of fear: leaked documents - evacuations - viruses -- and that's a best-case scenario!  When she bumped into Nancy Pelosi at a doctor's office today [gee, I wonder why? -- RR], she seemed, on the surface, calm and unconcerned. [ain't it the truth? -- RR]
• In Manhattan, investment banker Sally Knox is working overtime with her boss, Chris Fulbright (Scott Bakula).  They're married, but not to each other, and this work is extramarital in nature.  The cleaning man comes in but is chased away; Sally wants him fired so he can't implicate her.  She's conflicted about the affair, but the temptation is too strong.... [the former Mr. Beckett and Capt. Archer is in an enviable position -- RR]
• 11:30 PM, and Dina Lohan is holding court in a special room at the Palms in Las Vegas for parents of young celebrities.  She tells of a time when Lindsay's heart stopped but was restarted.  Then younger daughter Aliana yells to her that Lindsay's getting married.  It's time to start planning the wedding.  But Dina's not invited, and she's rather upset.... [like daughter, like mother.... -- RR]
• Back with Arianna Huffington, who's now in bed watching Charlie Rose and composing her last blog entry of the day.  Hogarth Pincus did not get a stay of execution; his last words told of seeing Rita Cosby scurrying around the chamber.  His widow is now planning to marry the Taystee-Freeze Rapist.  Meanwhile, she's still single.  Is she too tall? Too smart? Too Greek? Too over-46-in-LA? That will have to wait for another day as she closes up her Powerbook and goes to bed.
• Back in New York, Sindra Matano comes home after her third job of the day and wakes her husband.  He gets out of bed, and she takes his place -- one of 12 million undocumented workers in this country, 900 more of whom arrived in the last 24 hours.  Good night, America. [a hard life, for sure; but it was probably worse in Bangladesh -- RR]

2.  April 6 2008

• 4:45 AM on the east coast: an ambulance pulls up and drops off a woman who has just had ovarian cyst surgery and should not be out of her bed -- but she lacks health insurance.... [who can look upon this and not be disgusted? -- RR]
• At WBFW, anchorwoman Linda Alvarez reviews the security camera footage showing this incident (it'll be great for the Emmy reel!), learns that Angelina Jolie was attacked by an angry mob of her own children, and tells Buffalo that Whole Foods and Pinkberry won't be coming to town. [always the anchor -- RR]
• 10:31 AM: airport guard Chanel Monticello is on duty at the X-ray machine.  She's also X-raying her colleague Javier, who can't afford proper medical X-rays.  Just another way to save lives, she says.... [better hope the AMA doesn't find out -- RR]
• Laurie David is in the cockpit of her plane talking to the pilot.  The plane is fully green and burns vegetable oil, so fuel dumps, if necessary, should be done over hungry areas.  The pilot has been on the job for 10 years, having been hired by Mr. David, a.k.a. that useless billion-dollar piece of excrement (so says the ex-Mrs. David).  He drives a 4Runner but is strongly encouraged to trade it in for a minivan powered by cadavers and goat poop. [I don't want to be anywhere near THAT filling station -- RR]
• In Macon, Georgia, Staff Sgt. Lisa Penning is on leave visiting her son at school.  She hasn't seen him in 10 months.... [I wouldn't mind seeing more of Sgt. Penning in the future -- RR]
• In LA, Arianna Huffington is trying to decide what to wear to the Bloggys, the worldwide blog awards.  The dress that Ed Begley's wife wore to the Greenies is out because it smells of cadavers, goat poop and ethanol.  The goodie bag has plenty of Cialis and Viagra.  Now should she wear "Diane von Furstenblog" or "Dolce and Bloggana"? [if she keeps that up, I'm liable to hit her over the head with a blog -- RR]
• 12:15 PM in Oak Ridge, Tennessee: pharmacist Padma Perkesh advises an elderly man about the potential side effects of his Viagra prescription. [I wouldn't mind seeing the drug makers trying this approach for their warnings -- RR]
• Back in Macon: Sgt. Penning has found her son's classroom, but he isn't there; the class is playing soccer at a neighboring school.  She's got snack duty today and accepts the assignment.  Maybe next year, she'll make the parent conference....
• At the Hamptons Film Festival, where Hollywood goes to get away from itself, Renee Zellweger is promoting her new film Full Frontal Lobe.  She plays a journalist who is wounded in Iraq and develops "chronic narcisisstic squint" as a result.  There's Oscar buzz floating around.... [or is it just Oscar the Wonder Fly again? News stories at the time had the real Renee a little freaked out about this -- RR]
• 3 PM in Plainsville, Nebraska: Irma Billings speaks to neighbor Betsy Jean again over the laundry.  She is surprised to learn of Don Wormsley's death from a hospital super bug.  He always was a bug magnet, she says (lice and fleas in grade school -- and he gave all the girls crabs).  She won't go to his funeral; she prefers to live in the moment. [blooper moment: the narrator says it's 3, but Irma mentions the "phenomenal morning" -- RR]
• At an LA press conference, David Beckham observes that the most difficult thing about moving to LA was the water.  He couldn't get his hair just so for the longest time, but with the help of serums and micropolymers, he's adjusted.  Will he become an actor?  Actually, he'd rather direct.... [Figures -- RR]
• Back in Macon: Sgt. Penning has reunited with her son (he scored a goal!).  But their time together is short, for her furlough was only 3 hours long, and she's got to go back on duty.  But daddy will be home from Afghanistan in 2 weeks for a whole weekend! [being a soldier entails some sacrifices, but this is ridiculous -- RR]
• In Washington, Campbell Brown gives Americans their nightly sense of impending doom from the White House lawn.  With hospital superbugs and their effects being described in Biblical language, and with "black death", "apocalyptic" and "medieval" being bandied around, it's enough to make one scream -- or everyone scream! [maybe it's time to stop watching the news.  Let's be glad she doesn't cover snowstorms -- RR]
• In Seattle at the Bloggies, Arianna has won for best blog.  She thanks her Webmaster (God), acknowledges her co-nominees Rosie O'Donnell and Ann Coulter (a.k.a. the blonde bitch who should have her YouTubes tied) and, after being advised to "blog it up", thanks her IT guy Pradeep. [I got a kick out of the Ann Coulter crack -- RR]
• 11:43 PM: On the south side of Chicago, it's not bad, bad, Leroy Brown, it's bad, bad Dina Lohan, who recently advised Dakota Fanning's mother to make those reservations early for a good rehab program.  You gotta find a good program early these days, she says.  When Lindsay was rehabbing, they were carpooling with Paris and Britney; maybe Dakota can carpool with Lourdes, Apple and "Pilo Schitt", um, Shiloh Pitt.  Then she proceeds to imitate her daughter, totally smackered. [Let us hope the only addictions Dakota, Lourdes, et al have to overcome are M&M addictions -- RR]
• 12:05 AM: a crew from WBFW has found Carmen Vog (sp?), the woman prematurely discharged from the hospital and dumped on the street.  She is a victim of downloading, in her case literally: she used to be a record company executive until Napster came along.  Now she's on the street, living out of her 1986 Chrysler LeBaron.  It can power a TV and poach a salmon.  She recently hosted David Coverdale of Whitesnake in the spare bedroom (the back seat).  She cautions the crew to be quiet as they leave, for there's a couple with a newborn in the nearby Subaru.... [she reminds me a little bit of Summer Storm, the DJ from TTUS -- RR]
• There are 3.5 million homeless in the US; 1 million more living out of their cars; and 3700 LeBarons still on the road.  Good night, America.

3.  April 13 2008

• 5:45 AM: in St. Mary's Catholic Church somewhere in Pennsylvania, Mother Superior Rose Penitela is engaged in morning prayer and meditation.  While contemplating a tuneup for the minivan, she has impure thoughts about Gregory the mechanic.... [Mother Superior could be a useful character for the future -- RR]
• At WBFW, Linda Alvarez informs her viewers about a massive recall of alarm clocks.  It's a major wakeup call to and a rude awakening for the industry -- alarming! [aye, there be groaners here! -- RR] Next, 5 things in your refrigerator that can kill you! [any idea how long they have to be there first? -- RR]
• In Coshocton, Ohio, yoga instructor Chandra Perkette is in position for her local access cable program.  She tells the viewers that "yoga" means "union" and calls for yoga instructors to unionize.  She practices the "silently passing wind asssina" and finds she needs more practice in the "silently" part, and then she removes something from her toe while still in position.  [one would not normally associate hard-core labor tactics with yoga practitioners or instructors -- RR]
• On an LA freeway (the Irving Katzman Memorial Interchange, to be precise), housekeeper Rosa Batista's car has broken down, so she can't make it to Arianna Huffington's today.  Arianna will have to do the housework herself today.  Rosa is mad at her car -- but at least she won't have to meet Christopher Hitchins again (she still remembers the leaf blower incident).  Searching the Web for housekeeping hints proves useless, for all Arianna finds are people giving head (everything comes back to porn, it seems).  As she puts it, she is trying to find cleaning jobs, but all she is finding are blow jobs! [yes, porn is everywhere, even if you're not looking for it.  Nice touch, referring to the Irving Katzman Memorial Interchange; he's Ruth Katzman's (from the first episode) late husband -- RR]
• Somewhere in the Ozarks, Malawian movie star Asma Qassim (sp?) is holding a press conference to announce that she's adopting a poor young boy and taking him back to Malawi to save him from strip malls, Taco Bell and According To Jim.   He's being rescued from dying of stupidity, she claims; he's a lucky, lucky boy.  But he's not so sure.... [an effective way to satire something is to invert the situation. Here, instead of a top American star adopting someone from Malawi, we have the reverse.  This helps us to see the questionable aspects of the process and have a good laugh at the same time -- RR]
• 12:40 PM: Laurie David is flying to her log cabin in Aspen that's off the grid.  Suddenly, the plane begins to shake.  We lost a fuel cell, says the pilot.  The shaking gets worse.  Might her ex have arranged for the plane to malfunction, wonders Laurie; no, it's just wind shear.  But they need to dump fuel.  Laurie advises doing so over a red state.  How about Nebraska, home to the highest rate of juvenile incarceration?  Yes, that would be a good spot to take a righteous dump.... [if I were from Nebraska, I might feel offended by that -- RR]
• Meanwhile, in Plainsville, Nebraska, Irma Billings and Betsy Jean are at the clothesline again, hanging their laundry.  Betsy Jean asks Irma if she's going to church on Sunday.  Irma questions why it's necessary for her to go to church and shout when God can hear her whisper from her back yard just fine.  Suddenly, she's doused with jet fuel!  Does she want to be hosed off?  No, the rain can take care of that.  When she was little, Irma recalls, her mother used to tell her that rain was nothing but God having a good cry.  Right now, He must be having a good laugh.... [I had commented before about Irma's simple faith and how it contrasts with the self-righteous hypocracy of TTO's Birdie Godsen.  Birdie would not approve of Irma's not going to church and may very well approve of her being splashed with jet fuel. As to what the Lord thinks, well, I'll leave that to Him -- RR]
• 2:45 in Oak Ridge, TN: pharmacist Padma Perkesh is filling a prescription for student Sylvia Symes.  It's for bipolar disorder, and once again, she sings about the side effects, which include explosive diarrhea, constipation and an inability to have an orgasm.  But the last two are so typical in this country, they could be caused by anything! [humorous again, though see my overall comments for a caution -- RR]
• At an Episcopal church in Colorado, parishoner Sherilyn O'Dell is passing around the collection plate.  She's also wearing Islamic hijab as part of the pastor's "Walk A Mile In Their Shoes" program.  There have been a few incidents, she says -- some abuse, tossed bottles, nearly being run down -- but Dawn had it worse: she dressed like a Hasidic Jew. [prejudice stinks -- RR]
• At the Sundance Film Festival, Dame Judi Dench is being interviewed about her latest film, Who The F*** Was I?, in which she plays a woman in the early stages of Alzheimer's.  The film industry has Alzheimer's when it comes to older actresses. she says; she's playing the part because the producers couldn't find an American actress willing to admit being older than 46.  You don't respect age in this country, she says, so you have to import Brits to do your wrinkly work.  And so, accompanied by Oscar buzz, we see a clip from the film. [these words could have come straight out of Tracey's mouth, for she's said this on many occasions -- RR]
• In Washington DC, reporter Campbell Brown gives America its latest reason to fear.  Today, it's an evacuation plan that's so massive, there's nowhere to go and no way to get there.  And what about cargo containers, a nightmare waiting to happen?  When will it begin, and when will it end?  When will it begin again, and when will it end again? And just for good measure, 8 out of 10 women will be raped by a parent or stranger by the time it takes her to throw it back to Brian. [she is very good at filling our nation's anxiety closet -- RR]
• Mustang, Oklahoma: at the OB Tampon Supercenter, WNBA coach Sandra Stevens is coaching her team, which includes players such as Condoleeza Mary, Martina Lutherina, Vaginita (and Judy). Key strategic discussion: what did you think of Gray's Anatomy last night? [venturing into some stereotypical areas here (meaning the creative African-American naming) -- RR]
• In Manhattan, Sally Knox and Chris Fulbright (guest star Scott Bakula) are working late -- working on each other, that is.  Sally seems to be convincing herself to make the break from her husband and family, while Chris would leave the "barnacle magnet" boat (but not the villa in Bermuda; that's tax-efficient).  He has an engagement at the PSA ball; Sally remembers when her father made that $10 million donation when first diagnosed with prostate cancer, but when he asked for it back after learning it had spread to his bones, they wouldn't.  They go back to work on each other.... [messy business -- RR]
• In LA, David Beckham is getting ready for dinner with his wife and the creator of Lost.  Should he go for a Midnight Cowboy look? No, says Victoria emphatically.  She's been a cow ever since Tom and Katie outbid them for that Sonoma vineyard, he says.  He's not too thrilled by all of the Scientologists hanging around.  Victoria calls him a piece of pig poop [I'm cleaning up the language a bit -- RR], so he says forget about dinner.  He can't understand Lost, anyway. And then he injures himself again....
• 11:35 PM: Dina Lohan is hanging with her mom-crowd.  She mentions that she was known as "Sweet and Lohan" while with the Rockettes.  Suddenly, there's word that her daughter is vomiting.  It's probably asthma, she says.  Back to talking about a trip to Florida, where the family saw such sites as the place where Gianni Versace was shot.  There comes a more urgent request to help with her daughter, who now has fixed & dilated pupils.  She's probably hypoglycemic, says Dina; this always happened with Lindsay at this age.  Back to her gal pals and the story of how she had to take over from Lindsay when she was in bed with Orlando Bloom.  Now comes word that her daughter's dead.  Get the defibrilator in her purse, Dina says as she heads out.... [I definitely don't care for the Dina Lohan character at all -- I don't see any redeeming qualities in her.  Note that I'm speaking of the character, not the portrayal, which is top-notch -- RR]
• Arianna is in bed with Charlie Rose (in a manner of speaking) recounting her day on her blog.  The smell of Pledge took her back to her grandmother's parlor in the foothills of Athens.  Then there was that problem with the Dyson vacuum, which sucked up some Swarovski crystals.  And she's still single....
• Asma Qassim and her newly adopted son Dale are on board the plane that will take them to Malawi.  He's stopped crying, at last.  There's no need for nachos, Big Gulps or Gummi Bears anymore, she tells him, offering him a root to chew on.  Kalahari tribesmen can go for 3 days without food if they chew on that root, she tells him, but he declines the offer.  She'll buy him a pet baboon and giraffe when they reach Malawi, she says to him as the plane takes off.... [did Madonna's adopted child from Malawi behave in the same way? I suspect he might have.  My comments from earlier still stand -- RR]
• 1.4 million Americans are adopted.  500 children leave the US, but only 1 has gone to Malawi -- such a lucky, lucky boy.  Good night, America.

4.  April 20 2008

•  6:50 AM (although the narrator says it's 6 AM): at the Port of Long Beach, an unnamed dockworker or foreperson opens up a cargo container, and out come several illegal immigrants. Carpenters, cooks and caregivers to the right; manicurists and surgeons to the left. The handyman can go with her to her house for some grout work.  Now what's being exported today? Some Coleman grilles, a box of Wayfarers, and a special-order Kim Jong Il tractor from John Deere -- and that's all.  "This company's so screwed!" [now there's a good sound bite for you -- RR]
• On board a JetBlue flight from Chicago to Tampa: "flight" is a misnomer, for it hasn't left the ground yet; it's been held up for hours. The flight attendant informs the passengers that the toilets have stopped working, 2 senior citizens have died, the Diet Pepsi has been consumed, as have the last of the almonds.  But FAA regulations forbid her to open the doors.  It's time for a revolt.  In evocation of Flight 93, she and several men prepare to roll the beverage cart down the aisle toward the door.... [Some might find the Flight 93 evocation to be in poor taste, even though it's never explicitly stated.  You can't help but sympathize for the passengers  -- RR]
• At the terminal, Chanel Monticello is on duty.  She stops a woman who's carrying $65 eyebrow tweezers and confiscates them as a potentially dangerous weapon.  The stiletto shoes are OK, though.  The woman objects but eventually accepts their confiscation when told they will be melted down for a memorial to 9-11.  But that's not really true, for we see Chantal use the tweezers on her own eyebrows.  Suddenly, the call comes in: another mutiny on a JetBlue flight!  Expect casualties.  Time for the x-ray unit to be pressed into medical service again.... [I wonder how many confiscated items find their way into the guards' possession -- RR]
• In Columbus, Mississippi, 71-year-old Marianne LeFrak is having an ultrasound examination.  She wakes up having had the strangest dream: that she was pregnant.  But it's no dream, for she really is pregnant!  She had seen a 66-year-old Italian woman give birth, and she thought an American could certainly top that.  And she has.  But she's not yet ready for him to come out just yet.... [Tracey's Mother Nature character from I Could Never Be Your Woman would have a field day with this woman! There are some things that are not meant to happen, and this is one of them -- RR]
• 11:40 PM [so says the announcer; but the sun is up, so it's 11:40 AM -- RR], and Laurie David is returning from a conference in Maui.  She looks down disapprovingly at the power station below the plane.  Her publicist is looking for the restroom.  It's been redone, says Laurie; it's now a hole surrounded by Tibetan prayer flags.  Solids go to a compost pile, while urine is recycled into gray water for use by the pilots in washing up.  Your BM will eventually power the battery in my iPhone, she says.  She then asks her publicist if she's still vegan; this is prompted by an incident where Michael Moore had used the facilities after eating meet -- sicko! [admirable spirit and motivation, if perhaps a tad too much information -- RR]
• David Beckham has brought his children home from an event at the Playboy mansion.  There were quite a few nannies around there, he says to Victoria.  She corrects him; those were Playmates and nurses, and did he behave himself there? Exasperated, he asks her to trust him again; what's past is past.  And as a peace offering, he's brought some goodies from the British store: steak and kidney pie and spotted dick, among other things.  But she doesn't eat that stuff any more, she says; she doesn't eat anything anymore, he says.  And all that macrobiotic crap just gives him gas, he complains (so does she).  Yet there's hope for them; they'll have a fry-up and watch Benny Hill on channel 397 and contemplate the multiple meanings of "spotted dick" [there are those who don't care for her portrayal of Becks, but I'm not one of them -- RR]
• On a New York soundstage, Andy Rooney is recording his commentary for 60 Minutes.  His theme is the pencil.  However, his involuntary hand movements while holding his pencil (and sometimes a pen) are suggestive of something not safe for network TV (or non-premium cable TV, for that matter).  Assistants try to grab his hands, to no avail.  He eventually has a few things to say about Dan Rather and Lesley Stahl.... [I cracked up when I first saw this -- RR]
• At a Portland film festival, Cameron Diaz is burping her way through an interview about her new film, That Terrible Time of the Month.  No, it's not about that; it's about female genital mutilation in Africa.  She made it to spare them the humiliation of being unable to wear blue jeans.  And yes, it's generating Oscar buzz.... [My, that Oscar the Wonder Fly gets around, doesn't he? I'll spare you the details about the gynecological lesson from Bono -- RR]
• Back in Mississippi, Marianne LeFrak has fallen asleep in the checkout line.  When awakened, she says she was dreaming about buying clothes way too small for her to wear.  But that's exactly why she is there, buying clothes for her soon-to-be-born baby.  She tells the cashier about the father (sperm donor) -- a real catch.  Suddenly, there's a big splash on the floor.  Her water's broken.... [this is not going to end well for somebody -- RR]
• At 6:30 in Washington, Campbell Brown sticks to the essentials with her report: "Horror -- terror -- horror -- nightmare -- horror -- fear!" [I could see that report being used by political commentators if their unfavored candidate reaches the White House -- RR]
• In St. Paul at the Katzman Memorial Theater [Mr. Katzman certainly got around -- New York, LA, Twin Cities -- RR], actress Annette Thomas is returning to the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago after recovering from a dual hip transplant.  She's warming up and limbering up, but something's gone wrong, and her hips go out again.  "Lipshitz!" and curses directed at Bob Fosse follow.... [her surgeon's name must have been Malcolm Practice -- RR]
• In the audience is Ronnie Rooney, Andy's older brother.  He has in fact been clinically dead since the intermission, but thanks to the assisted hearing device he's wearing, the gunshot of Roxie shooting her boyfriend revives him.  He asks to be taken to the bathroom.  As we observe his problems with his hand and the program, he wonders why they take old people to the theater when they just want to die.... [I recall Tracey making a similar observation when talking about the trial run of her Broadway play, The Big Love, in Florida back in 1990 -- RR]
• At Golden Stax in Manhattan, Sally Knox and Chris Fulbright decide to take the next step in their affair: splitting from their spouses.  Soon, the closing bell on the floor of the exchange will be ringing for them... 
• In a Columbus hospital, Marianne LeFrak is giving birth.  All she wants to do is rest between contractions, but the nurse keeps waking her up and telling her to push.  "You're going to have to pull!" says Marianne.  A push -- the baby's head is visible; another push -- this child's going to have to hurry up and be born so he/she can take care of her, exclaims the mother-to-be; another push -- and she's had a son!  He's laid in her arms.  Soon thereafter, she's laid in the arms of the Lord as she dies.... [I could see this coming.  I did like the line "You're goint to have to pull!" -- RR]
• In LA, Arianna Huffington is composing her last blog entry of the day.  She comments on the criticism Marianne LeFrak received for her pregnancy and wonders why similarly aged men such as Rupert Murdoch and Kirk Kerkorian (the "Viagra boys", she calls them) can breed at will.  But not all older men are immune from humiliation, she writes, as she comments on YouTube doctorings of Andy Rooney's commentary.  Putting a kielbasa in his hand was cruel and disrespectful, she notes; at least the version with a chicken head was more imaginative.  Then it's to bed, where a Powerbook does wonders for cramps....
• Lastly, we see little Lyle LeFrak, facing life without his mother.  He'll be raised by his 82-year-old aunt Wilma, who will be convalescent-home-schooling him.  Good night, America.

5.  April 27 2008

• 5 AM in St. Mary's, Pennsylvania: Mother Superior Rose Penitela is communing with God.  She notes that Chris Rock was right, but we never learn what he was right about, for she is hushed.  Even God is politically correct these days -- but isn't He who wields the thunderbolts always correct? [it's never a good idea to argue with the Lord -- RR]
• On the Upper East Side of Manhattan, Marian Churchill has arrived for another day of caring for Ruth Katzman.  She gets her another pudding pop for breakfast.  Today's their day for an outing in the park where they'll meet friends, including another Mrs. Katzman from down the hall.  Mrs. Katzman has dressed herself today -- however, she's overdressed for the park, and she had some problem with the pants.... 
• At a US-Canadian border crossing in North Dakota and Manitoba, Lyle and Doris Basham are returning from a trip to a pharmacy in Manitoba to fill their extensive prescriptions.  They're noting the savings when the bus stops.  Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC and "To Catch an Underinsured Senior" boards to confront Doris with evidence that she's been conspiring to illegally import prescription drugs into the US.  She denies it, saying that she and her husband were going over for Canadian bacon and tickets to an Anne Murray concert, but Chris shows her photos of her exposing her thyroid to a Canadian pharmacist.  As far as he's concerned, she's free to go -- but Customs, Immigration and the DEA say otherwise as she's removed from the bus.... [surely there are more important things for our government to worry about -- RR]
• At the Manhattan headquarters of Golden Stax, Chris Fulbright is checking out something on his laptop when a bedraggled Sally Knox walks in, luggage in hand.  They were supposed to have told their spouses they were leaving them.  She did, and it was an ugly scene.  But, it turns out, he didn't.  He sees himself as a lousy husband but a great lover, so he's content to leave things the way they are between Sally and him.  Sally is really P.O'ed and takes out her anger on the artwork and then on Chris.  Smash! goes the window.  His back is to the window; she's holding a pointed artwork.  She charges.... [up to now, neither character had been particularly sympathetic, but here, the sympathy clearly lies with Sally.  She made the break and is taking her lumps; he didn't, but she's sure giving him his lumps (and taking two away).  "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," indeed -- RR]
• At the United Nations, translator Elena Sharkovsky (sp?) is translating a speech by Russian president Vladimir Putin.  He tells a joke about being interviewed by Mike Wallace, how he's treating him (Putin) like he's Borat.  He smiles because Mike is so old, and then he has him poisoned with thallium (ha ha ha ha).  He tells Mike that thallium has a short half-life but that he's has a long full life (ha ha ha ha ha).  Now he would like to return to the Cold War.... [love that Russian sense of humor -- though in real life, it's not much of a joke -- RR]
• Back at Golden Stax, Rita Cosby has another exclusive.  Keeping the coroner and police at bay, she reports on the death of Chris Fulbright, who fell to his death from the 97th floor.  He had also been castrated, but it's not clear if that happened before or after his death -- or even if his enamorata had killed him, then ran down 97 floors to castrate him in front of a crowd of shocked hedge fund traders.  Rita had been next door meeting with her investment advisor and thus had heard the whole thing.  She was able to diversify into bonds before Fulbright hit the ground, with or without his balls....
• In Arizona, Abby Melinda Harris is filming a promo for Dignity Village, a home where women 35 and over can live in peace without ever having to be seen in public again.  They can live here without the pressures of having to undergo plastic surgery and Botox injections.  They can go out and stand in the direct sunlight and love it.  There are ex-movie stars here who actually eat!  And it's a Restylane-free zone.  Dignity Village -- where women aren't afraid to look like [bleep]! [hilarious -- RR]
• In the early afternoon, airport security agent Chanel Monticello is going through the container of confiscated liquids -- a jumbo bottle of fabric softener, a can of EZ Cheese, a bottle of special skin creme, etc.  That skin creme cost $300 a bottle, according to the woman from whom it was confiscated.  The human cells in it come from the leftovers from circumcisions in San Diego, which suggests an adaptation of the old Brylcreem slogan....  [also hilarious, but possibly a little too much information -- RR]
• Suzanne Somers is promoting her latest product, the Vagisizer, for toning up the vaginal walls, which do loosen with age.  She's using it right now, in fact.  It comes in several sizes, enabling one to go down in size with continual use.  And the sterile gel is edible, too!  Next on the horizon: a way to market her own bowel movement.... [definitely hilarious, definitely too much information -- RR]
• At the Butte (Montana) Film Festival, Dame Helen Mirren is promoting her latest film, "Fish Out Those Old Teats".  She's very outspoken and demonstrative about the point of her film as she opens her top and does indeed fish out those old teats.  She calls on her interviewer to do the same and for the men on the crew to show their willies.  Can you imagine if Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone had to fish out their old cock, she asks.  [Tracey made a similar comment in the March 2008 Esquire magazine.  I can see her point, and it's a good one and a valid one, but I'm in no particular mood to see their points -- RR]
• 5:45 PM in Oak Ridge: Padma Perkesh has a customer with a problem.  She inserted a Vagisizer but hasn't been able to remove it.  There's a musical number and an attempt to pop it out, which proves unsuccessful.  So she recommends a trip to the emergency room.  And it seems she's also a user, which prompts some snickers from the younger staff and a retort that their vaginal walls will one day collapse into the Ganges.... [another good appearance from our favorite Indian pharmacist.  I think she would have fit pretty well into the TTO framework of longer sketches -- RR]
• In Beverly Hills, David Beckham has returned from a rehab session, feeling pretty good -- that is, until he trips on a toy left on the floor by his son and hurts his knee.  Victoria is not very sympathetic, even less so after his belt buckle injures him in a sensitive area... [it may seem like Tracey's been picking on Becks, but she did have good things to say about him when she was on the Tonight Show in April 2008 -- RR]
• Back in Manhattan, Marian Churchill is sitting with the body of Mrs. Katzman, who passed away during the season finale of America's Got Talent after an action-packed day.  She speaks to Mrs. Katzman as she awaits the coroner: she's notified her son and daughter; perhaps they'd done a bit too much today -- park, zoo, carousel; she's claimed those QVC earrings "promised" to her, and she's got a job with the other Mrs. Katzman now.  And now she's with her beloved Irving again.... [Marian is a character I wouldn't mind seeing more of in future seasons -- RR]
• The average American is living 10 years longer, but each additional year costs an additional $20,000 in medical expenses.  Most think it's worth it.  Good night, America.

Page written by Roger Reini
©2008 R. W. Reini
Last modified: April 28, 2008